How To Not Get Injured On Your Stag Night

That inevitable moment when he has to whisper au revoir to those days – no, years – of testosterone-fuelled freedom.

But now you’ve grown up, you’ve matured, you’ve got responsibilities – and you’re getting married.

No more time for playing on your X-box in your underpants ‘til 3pm. No more cracking open a can of Thatchers at 10.30 in the morning. No more endless Star Trek marathons in full Federation regalia.

The stag do has long been the celebratory staple that ostensibly marks the crossover from boy to man.  It’s the ultimate coming of age, the real rite of passage. It’s truly a time for a man to say farewell to the past and embrace the hope, opportunities and love afforded to a future of domestic servitude and nuptial predictability for the next 50 years or so.

Time for the stag do, then.  And there will be booze. Lots of booze…

stag night

Mind What You Say

Chances are the stag do will include members of the bride’s family – so be careful what you say. You’re out to enjoy yourself but not offend your future father-in-law. Regaling intimate details of how you and the love of your life became intimately acquainted is more likely to land you a black eye from the bride’s brother than any long-standing familial affection (even if your mates do find it hysterical).

Don’t Insult Bouncers

You’ve already consumed 23 pints, but the spirit is willing and the desire to carry on to the bitter end is more inflamed than ever.

So what if the pubs have closed? So what if you’re barely capable of standing? So what if you’ve got half a kebab on your shirt like some garish meat-based bib? There’s a club straight ahead and you’re getting in – even if the door is manned by two bouncers resembling well-dressed space hoppers and who could pop your head like a grape. Which is what they’ll do if you hurl a tsunami of drunken abuse at them.

Don’t Grope Other Women

Explaining to your bride-to-be the stinging red hand mark across your face was the result of inappropriately and drunkenly groping another woman won’t go down well.  In fact, it may significantly tarnish your prospective nuptials.  Don’t do it.  Your best man should look out for you anyway to minimise any unwanted female slappage.  Keep your hands to yourself.

Don’t Hurt The Groom

Stag do tradition usually dictates the groom will end up in some form of semi or total nakedness, tied to a lamppost, abandoned by his mates and left to find his way home.

Pranks are all part and parcel of the stag do experience. Shaving the groom’s eyebrows when he’s intoxicated or asleep are de regeur and the staple of most stag do photos.

And if you do get injured – broken bones, bruises, mild abrasions (which, face it, you’re lucky if you DON’T get) – make sure you’ve given enough time between your stag do and the wedding day to avoid walking up the aisle on crutches or with your ring finger the size, shape and colour of a marrow.

Don’t Get Lost

Fed up with the same old British sights and the same surly barmaid at The Old Wench and Whippet? Some grooms and their merry men jet off to sunnier climes, or at least a place of more interesting and cultured environs – not that culture’s top priority. Prague, for example, is a popular destination.

If you’re going to a foreign country however, try to learn a few essential, potentially life-saving phrases: “How much is a pint?”, “Where’s the nearest hospital?”, and “Where am I?” are good to have. The initial childlike excitement and intoxicating dizziness of new sights and sounds becomes the intoxicating dizziness of too much local ale and eventual geographical incontinence.

Be careful where you stray.  Remember Hostel? Just the thought’s enough to sober you up.

Have you got any more sage advice to impart to avoid any stag do injuries? Share in the comments.

Gavin Harvey is a personal trainer who has attended his fair share of (thankfully) injury-free stag dos. He writes for The Accident Specialists.