Let’s get one thing perfectly clear: no matter what end of the equation you’re on, divorces aren’t fun for anyone. So it’s likely that if your best friend is going through a divorce, you’re experiencing a lot of emotion and feeling a little overwhelmed as to how best to help them in their time of need. Whether this was her decision or she’s been cruelly told that her love is ending their marriage, she’s likely to be an emotional wreck in her own way. Take a deep breath—all you need is a little bit of common sense, an extra dose of consideration, along with this handy little battle plan, and you’ll be ready to be there for your friend in all the ways she needs you to be!
How Does She Feel?
This is more than just asking her “how do you feel?”, because likely as not you already have an idea of how she feels overall—but if she hasn’t had the chance to go through an entire box of your good tissues or tacked her ex’s face to your dart board for target practice, go ahead and do that right now.
Done? Great—now let’s get down to the deeper stuff.
How emotionally vulnerable is she? Is she feeling romantically lonely? Weakened? Mistrustful of being in a relationship right now? These are things you need to know. If she doesn’t know, that’s okay too, but gut reactions are a good indicator in the meantime. Be sure she feels like she can tell you how she feels at any given moment by assuring her that you’re available to vent to, and prove it to her by not judging whatever you may hear.
You’ll need to do one of these deep emotional check-ups at every major stage in the divorce process—when she signs the papers, any days in court, and when it is finally over. As these events in the process occur, her feelings will shift and change. Be ready.
Nurture and Diversion
Once you’ve got a good idea of how she’s feeling, it’s time to stop dwelling on the sadness of her divorce and go distract her with something she enjoys.
Moping is poisonous. While there is something to be said for rest and quiet, perhaps even a quiet night in watching chick flicks together, sitting and dwelling on the sadness will only hurt her in the end.
So go out and do something fun that will lead her mind away from her troubles—whether it’s a spa day, a night of dancing, shopping sprees, or maybe even yard work (because some people find gardening therapeutic). Offer to help her do that big project she’s wanted to do but just hasn’t got around to. Help her remember that there is so much else to enjoy, then get her out there and enjoying it!
To Set Her Up or Not to Set Her Up?
That is, or will be, the question. Whether she’s happy to be rid of him and ready to start right back in, or devastated at his betrayal, the time will come when your friend is ready to give dating another try.
You may be tempted to immediately set her up with your single man-friends when you learn of the divorce. It’s admirable that you want to immediately get your friend something better and alleviate her sadness as quickly as possible. However, it may also be ill-advised.
Not that you’d set your friend up with someone bad for her—dating at all, at least during the first month following the divorce, is a dangerous game. She’s emotionally vulnerable and possibly a little shaky, which unfortunately means that she’s especially vulnerable to the machinations of jerks and creepers.
Help your friend to get to an emotionally aware stage where she can make an informed decision about whether or not she is ready to date again. No matter what you personally think of her decision, be honest, but above all be supportive and be there for her.
When She Does Start Dating Again
Whether she asks you to line her up with someone or sets up an online dating profile, there will come a time when your friend takes the plunge and makes herself romantically available once again. Your feelings right now are likely a mixture of trepidation and pride, and that’s only natural—your girl is off to break some hearts and maybe find love again! But, oh dear, what if it goes terribly wrong?
Remember that if some dude gives you a bad vibe you are more than welcome to tell her—it is your duty to tell her. And, chances are she’s likely to listen; she doesn’t need another bad breakup right now and she knows that.
A Final Note
It’s important to note that not all breakups are created equal. Your friend may react initially with the devil-may-care attitude of Avril Lavigne, but then again she could feel as awful on the inside as Nicole Kidman did when Tom Cruise said he was divorcing her—Kidman told a tabloid that her own mother had to drag her from the fetal position after Cruise walked out. You may have to work a bit to keep your friend going—be sure she’s caring for herself and eating properly—as in three nutritionally sound meals per day, because she’ll never feel better emotionally if her physical needs aren’t met.
No matter what her reasons for divorce are, your friend deserves to have you at your best to get her back on her feet and out in the dating world. And if it all does fall apart again and she gets her feelings hurt, you’ll be there!